Eddie goes shopping

A bored Eddie is a bad thing. Maybe not physically, but certainly to any one’s reputation who be-friends him. He doesn’t do it on purpose, it’s not pre-meditated, he just doesn’t consider the consequences of his actions. Add drinking to that and it makes for awkward confrontations with store managers and the elderly. Take for example a simple trip to Target. Eddie came for the ride-a-long, too hot to work outside and him not being one to exploit a hobby (not one he’ll talk about), I felt it would help his mood to get him out of the house. What could happen?

Somewhere between the electronics aisle and kid’s toys, Eddie disappeared. My assumption was he’d gone to the bathroom and I didn’t think much of it, having the purchase of clearance outdoor furniture on my mind, and not until I heard commotion did I realize Eddie had been gone for awhile. Several people ran past me, white faced and mute, heading for the rear exit. I made my way towards the chaos.

More people running, scattering, a display hit the floor scattering summer beach items across the polished terrazzo tile. Another display tilted, as if on its own, then returned upright. Rounding the corner I find Eddie riding one of the store’s motorized handicap carts, heading out the door towards the parking lot—the store manager not far behind. 

In the parking lot, more people scatter, Eddie’s yelling, “Get off my Lawn!” Cops are sure to show up any minute. He’s going to jail for sure this time, I think.

I’m yelling Eddie’s name and the manager shoots me a glare that could fry and egg (I’m guessing he has connected me to Eddie at this point).  I ignore him as I sweep past an oncoming  Nissan Cube, just do catch the front bumper with my leg, that’s gonna bruise, and race to catch Eddie who’s barring down on some poor woman shoving a cart full of groceries to her car. She can’t see him coming, can’t hear either, another good reason not to live with a cell phone in your ear, and now  limp-hopping, I’m praying I get to Eddie before he gets to her.

There’s logistics at play here. How to shut Eddie down before he causes any real damage. I conclude it’s best if he doesn’t see me coming, that’s my strategy.  I catch up, wrap my arm around his neck and sweep him off the seat and onto the pavement. Cart comes to a dead stop.

Woman with groceries never did notice the commotion playing out behind her. And I was right. The cops showed up. They placed Eddie in handcuffs until we worked things out. Eddie got lucky. Manager agreed not to press charges if I would pay for any damages. Eddie was issued a tresspass warning and banned from the store. I bought the clearence outdoor furniture at another Target. Without Eddie. 

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